'AITA for going to a pre-planned family vacation instead of my boyfriend's mom's funeral?' MAJOR UPDATE (2024)

A few days before we left, my boyfriend's mom passed away unexpectedly. I spent days attached to his hip, supporting him, wrote the email to his work explaining what happened, cleaning the apartment, making sure he ate, called his dad & siblings and expressed my condolences, booked his flight, helped him pack, etc. He asked me to go to the funeral with him.

I felt so, so, so bad telling him no. I hardly knew his mom and feel like I already committed myself to the trip with my family. He was heartbroken and begged me to go with him for support but I told him that his whole family is there and if anything it's a special time for them all to recount memories of their mother/wife/sister/daughter.

He asked if he gave me $1500 'could you go on the trip sometime later? you have two more months off. I know you won't get some deposits back, so I'll give you this money' and I honestly felt so bad but the thing isn't the money (although obviously as a teacher, I'm not swimming in money) but it's about how this is the one time a year that the women I'm closest to can go together.

My mom & aunt told me "we want you to come with us, but it's ultimately up to you" whereas my cousin & sister were like 'you should definitely come with us, it'll ruin the trip for us if you're not there, just come, etc.

My boyfriend was upset and left mad at me, I called/texted a bunch but he didn't respond until days later, anyways I went to Mexico and came back on the 9th and things have been weird with us. Sometimes he's really close with me like usual other times I can tell he's mad I didn't go with him.

He said he's not furious at me but just disappointed and sad that I chose to go party instead of be there with him. Says he would've dropped anything for me, keeps emphasizing that I have 2 months of vacation, but he doesn't get that no one else in the group has that kind of vacation time, I really couldn't reschedule.

TL;DR: I feel really bad because I didn't go with my boyfriend to his mom's funeral because I already had a trip planned with my family. Did I mess up?

The commenters did not hold back.

mjsbunny wrote:

Your boyfriend's MOTHER died. Not his neighbour, or friend or coworker. His MOTHER. And as his partner, someone who allegedly loves him, you should have been at his side at the funeral.

Your family have come off as incredibly selfish here, so I can see where you get it from. My mother would have been like 'Goodness, of course you have to go!'

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'How on earth were you able to enjoy yourself, knowing that he was more than likely having a difficult time? Yes, he would have had his other family around him, but he clearly wanted you to be there. And I can guarantee that the rest of the family weren't impressed with your decision and it was 110% discussed.

'Where's X? Why didn't she come? She's in Cabo? Eh?' And the fact that he even offered to reimburse you for some of your outlay, shows how badly he wanted you there. But you chose other people over his needs. In addition, you went with your mother, which would just remind him that he doesn't have a mother anymore.'

'Personally, this is a dealbreaker and I would break up with someone over this. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?? Your mother dies, and he's like 'Soz, but I'm still going to go on the bros holiday. We cool tho, right?' How utterly selfish and self-centred of you. Ugh. YTA. You are SO the AH here. And no one can convince me otherwise.'

oh-my wrote:

I just wanted to add, OP, the reason why things are awkward between two of you now is that he knows he cannot rely on you. You proved him that by showing him where your priorities are. Literally, all it takes to understand his position is a bit of empathy: how would you feel in his place? For many of us this would absolutely be a deal-breaker and I'm in awe he gave you another chance.

I have no idea how you go about fixing it. Or should you even. Ask yourself, honestly, why he wasn't your priority? How exactly you feel about him and your relationship? Maybe your actions are an indicator of an underlying reason why you did what you did. Think.

Then apologize and give him space and time. If you two (and by two - I mean mostly him) decide it's fixable, you'll have to prove him over and over again that you're trustworthy. It'll take time to get your relationship back to where it was before this whole ordeal.

maerrhyn wrote:

I’d give your comment gold if I could. My mom is very ill and reading this post cut me like a knife. Having my SO’s unconditional support throughout it all means the world to me.

YTA, I’m honestly a bit stumped by how socially and emotionally unaware OP is. Like... did you seriously need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you were in the wrong to leave your partner alone at the most difficult time of his life to go on a vacation?

DifficultMinute wrote:

100% YTA.

My mother would have been like 'Goodness, of course you have to go!'

If my wife's mom died, and I tried to go on vacation with my own mother instead of the funeral, my mother would have been so disappointed in me...if I even mentioned considering it, she'd probably smack me on the back of the head. edit: In fact, thinking about it, my mom would probably cancel her own vacation to be there for my wife herself as well.

His mother died, and you're worried about a vacation.

Things are weird because his mother died, and the person that he loves most in the world wasn't there for him. You messed up, and it wouldn't surprise me if he wound up resenting you and leaving you over it. And you'd deserve it.

6_67 wrote:

YTA. If I were him I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Can't imagine starting a family with someone with such poor judgement and low empathy.

"He says he would've dropped anything for me, keeps emphasizing that I have 2 months of vacation, but he doesn't get that no one else in the group has that kind of vacation time, I really couldn't reschedule."

This is the only Time IN HIS LIFE he can to go to his mom's funeral. You chose a once a year fun event (or maybe once in a couple of years, it doesn't matter) over a once in a lifetime tragedy.

Over two years later, OP shared an update.

It's been over two years since my previous post. A lot has changed. I've taken the time to really think about what happened. What I came down to is that ya'll were right that someone's mother dying is huge and I should've given more support. I sat down and spoke to Jamie about my feelings. This conversation happened about 3 months after the funeral.

He said he was upset with what happened but wanted to move on from the argument because our relationship means a lot to him. I told him I'd been thinking about it & what it all came down to is that my feelings for him weren't as strong as they should be. If we've been together for 2 and a half years and my feelings are starting to fade, then we should take a break.

He was upset and crying a lot but I told him that this would be better for both of us. This way we can think about what really matters and how much of the past to hold onto as well as the love we have for each other. I ended up calling him about a month after that conversation and breaking things off.

He's a great guy and I should've been better to him. Things took a very sad turn for him and I'll miss him always. I think I could have and should have handled things better than I did. Thank you all.

The internet continued to lay into OP.

lianavan wrote:

Wow. You really suck as a person. Are you aware of that?

crescentwaves wrote:

I hope you never experience what he had to experience. I’m glad you ended things so that he can find someone who actually cares about him and his feelings. While your feelings of falling out of love are valid, what horrific timing for you to do that. You basically broke up with him 4 months after his mom passed. “I’ll always miss him” dude you did this like what?😭

mayfeelthis wrote:

So you were the AH, you took time to confirm you’re an AH, and you ended it to be fair to him in a swooping finale. You’re consistent if nothing else. Still an AH, but I’m proud of you for being honest about it. I can’t hate an honest AH, next time try taking time to figure how you feel BEFORE you commit. No one deserves what you did to this guy, try to be someone your partner deserves in a good way.

Negative-Bottle-776 wrote:

I'm glad that you realized your feelings weren't what he hoped for and you too separated. But for the love that once you felt for him, the human thing would have been to accompany him. I can only said what I should have done.

Because even if you weren't meant for each other, you were his partner and you left him down, suffering for no good reason. Is more important to be with those we care in though times, it's easy to be on happy ones. I hope no one even does the same to you.

antsonmyscreen wrote:

You lack a self awareness around the impact of your actions. Also, emotional connections seem non-intuitive for you. You give off narcissistic qualities. I hope your last statement doesn’t insinuate he hurt himself.

You can be there for people even if you aren’t in love with them. I think it’s a joke that you wrote that you will always miss him. You didn’t care enough about him as a human being to be there for a crucial time. You don’t deserve to miss him.